Sunday, September 14, 2008

Why Not Start a Megachurch?

Perhaps I need a change of pace, a new thing. I know, I'll start a megachurch! Not a small church (why start small?), but a big one! How to do it?

The Blueprint for Exclamation Point Fellowship

1. I have a fair amount of hair, but will need to puff it out more.
2. The teeth needs some whitening.
3. I better lose some weight.
4. I need a new wardrobe.
5. Major portions of the Bible need to go into hiding for the sermons.
6. No more yelling during preaching.
7. I need to learn how to smile--all the time. I can hire a coach.
8. Hire a dozen sociologists to canvas the target audience and craft a designer church.
9. Cultivate the best parking lot philosophy. Hire a team of engineers.
10. Out hi-tech the hi-techs. Every seat will have a video screen, just like on airplane trips. People can get close ups of the stage, surf the net, or play Christian video games--all during the service. After each service each attendee will be asked to rate the service on line, so we can get feedback for next week. All who do this will automatically have their names entered into the church's own lottery! "The Lord's Lotto" (TM).
11. We will have hostesses serving refreshments during the service.
12. We will have a coffee bar.
13. We will have a real bar!
14. We will have a food court.
15. We will have a basketball court!
16. We will court celebrities for testimonies!
17. We will deploy special effects: laser lights on stage, sound effects, mist machines, blowers, risers. Demons and angels can be simulated. Even God can be simulated, given the proper lighting and mega-subwoofers!

Now, who will help me fund this ecclesiastical extravaganza? I assure you, we will start with a Bang!!!


Jerry said...

You might want to think twice before using motorcycles.

Douglas Groothuis, Ph.D. said...


Dorcas (aka SingingOwl) said...

I think Ted Haggard did the motorcycle thing?

James Manuel said...

Do you have a good set designer in mind? Someone with the creativity to come up with new decorations and themes to correspond to each sermon series? You don't want to have the same boring stage design every week do you?

Yossman said...

How nice to read something different from the political stuff however relevant it may be. Can I become your assistant pastor of marketing and entertainment?

Colin Madland said...

I want to be 2nd Associate Assistant Pastor of Emergence and Heresy. Pleaase! I will be in charge of making sure that nothing makes sense.

Daniel said...

And because people's lives are so incredibly busy we should have a drive through baptism and communion.

Well... then again, sacraments probably wouldn't need to be offered. It takes away from the valuable time of preschool announcements and interpretive dance.

jim_l said...

How about communion distribution by mail? Sort of a tincture for the 21st century. Subscribe to communion, receive your package in advance, and then partake at the appropriate moment while watching the service on TV. If you go the "real" wine route, you may need a liquor license...

Yossman said...

I just realized you have the perfect name to be the leader of a mega church. You'll have to translate it into English of course.

Douglas Groothuis, Ph.D. said...


Right: Groot (Great); Huis (House).
And that's all the Dutch I know!

Jeremy said...

I don't know if you could puff your hair out any more than it already is :)

Katie said...

Unfortunately you will not be lacking in supporters. And Joel Osteen, Rick Warren, and other 'teachers' will be happy to come and give your audience a psycho-babble filled pep talk, with a verse or two to tacked on to make it seem legit. (As long as you stock your cafe book store with their latest books)

And the Tares will grow and grow.

But be on the lookout for a man in bright clothing trying to remove the lampstand.

Katie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Douglas Groothuis, Ph.D. said...


I'll get you for that.

matt said...

Dr. G.
One recent article suggests that megachurches actually are quite orthodox in belief and helpful for healthy relationships. As one who also has critiqued certain points of the megachurch, this article was fascinating to me.

I thought you'd be interested:

your humble student,