Saturday, April 08, 2006

The Gospel of Brutus: A Revolutionary Revelation About the Real Jesus

The National Oceanic Society has recently released a long-lost and world-changing document, The Gospel of Brutus, which was found in a water-tight piece of pottery off the Greek coast. The Gospel, written by an unknown follower of Jesus named Brutus, reveals the inner teachings of Jesus that were long suppressed by the orthodox, power-mongering, and generally narrow-mined and anal-retentive clerics throughout history.

The document claims that Brutus was a secret Greek follower of Jesus, to whom Jesus disclosed the true, secret, inner, esoteric, and self-empowering teachings that he never revealed to his other disciples. In fact, what he told Brutus completely contradicts most everything in the four canonical gospels. The document, dated by scholars to have been written in about 300 CE, but composed about a century earlier, shows that Jesus was not Jewish in this worldview or sensibilities at all. For example:

"To you, Brutus, I reveal the mysteries, secrets, and inner realities of the Kingdom of Spirit—truths not known to those enslaved by the earth and its supposed Creator, Yahweh.”

Hence, the idea that Jesus was a Jewish Rabbi who frequently quoted the Hebrew Scriptures is just a bald-faced lie. That is merely what the orthodox power-players want you to believe. Jesus further says:

"O Brutus, it is the Greeks, not the Jews, who truly understand the ways of the inner kingdom. The body is a mistake, a trash heep. I have no body, but only the ignorant cling to it, as they cling to all errors, not knowing the fullness of the utterly unknowable, but desirable, Being of Being of Being."

The newly discovered Gospel, of which there are no known copies elsewhere, also gives a remarkable prophecy:

"Far later, O Brutus, my beloved, when the True Unknowable Being will be revealed to beings, after the Time of Darkness, a scholar of the Light, of Truth, of true Prophet and Profit, will make the message known. Her name is Sage Maureen Bagels. She will be the shepherd of this Treasure, and nothing of the refuse of earth will hinder her overcoming. Follow her star and it will become your living fire."

Quite predictably, orthodox scholars have questioned the Gospel of Brutus on the ridiculous grounds that its author is unknown; it must have been written long after the canonical gospels; that its portrayal of Jesus as more Greek than Jewish flies in the face of history (both biblical and extra-biblical); and that an esoteric document of dubious pedigree hardly overturns two thousand years of Christian tradition that begins in the middle of the First Century. Sage Bagels has already defended the credibility of The Gospel of Brutus in "The Old World Times" and is preparing a learned treatise on the subject. “The people who revered The Gospel of Brutus did not think they were heretics,” she wisely intoned. “Give esotericism a chance,” she also sagaciously pleaded.


Tim said...


You've got to give me some warning when you plan to do these things -- I could injure myself laughing that hard! "Sage Bagels" ... priceless!

Josh S. said...

This confirmed all of my suspicions about Christianity!

Douglas Groothuis, Ph.D. said...

Tim: I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now I need to read the text of "The Gospel of Judas," which I just got today. It is nothing but standard, gnostic material.

Steve Burri said...

The Gospel of Brutus, AKA Bluto in Aramaic, was actually written by the apostle, Popeye. It exalts the righteousness of Olive Oyl Magdalene and her only begotten son, Swee'Pea the prophet. Wimpy the Baptist is quoted as saying, 'I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for some locusts and wild honey today.'

Also available: The Gospel of Osama. This manuscript delineates the righteousness of Osama bin Laden as he does the Lord's work by freeing the spirits of Christians and Jews from their earth-bound physical bodies to acheive their full potential.

the 'ol dad said...

This is easily the funniest post on any blog in the Internet-universe today!

Dr. Doug's parody and Steve's post (I was actually thinking along the same lines, but Steve said it so well) are priceless!

Ted M. Gossard said...

ha ha. good one.

Sara Morse said...

The most fun I've had today...Glad I stumbled into it. My eyes are opened, and there is a new star before my eyes....the old one led me here, but I like this one better!

Craig Fletcher said...

This is great! Now I don't have to believe in Christianity anymore, I knew it was a farce, and this landmark discovery is all it took to overthrow all of the historical evidence!

I am free to do as I please, I have no accountability to cramp my style!

My stomach is growling for a sage bagel, good idea.

danny2 said...

as an ohio state fan, i thought the gospel of Brutus (our buckeye mascot) was written by Woody Hayes.

thanks for setting me straight. great post.

Jordan Barrett said...

I'd be careful here - a lot of people actually took this thing seriously. I'd be more clear when you're joking.

Douglas Groothuis, Ph.D. said...

Jordon: Saying it is a parody at the beginning ruins the effect. It really should be obvious as one goes along.

Jordan Barrett said...

You don't have to say it at the beginning. But why not at the end? If Google blog-search "Gospel of Brutus" you'll see that it spread around, and most thought it was legit. No big deal, because it's not as though every person didn't get it, but I hope people figure this out.

Tim said...


Relax -- we're all safe. I got it within the first 2 seconds or so. This is about as harmless as good fun on the net gets.

Joseph J. Truhler said...

I searched Google on this one and every link I could find started with the line "Satire at its best..." Not only did people get the joke, but it does in fact ruin the effect. Fletcher is right, mmmmm sage bagels. Tasty.

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