Obama: The Content of their Character and Knowledge

President-elect, Barack Obama has proposed a multi-million dollar, white, male, Christian, philosopher bail out plan. After consulting with a team of academic advisers, Obama realized that there are thousands of competent, earnest, and eager white, male, Christian philosophers either on the job market, barely surviving as "gypsy scholars" (teaching as adjuncts at multiple schools with no benefits and little pay), or about to get their doctorates and send out hundreds of resumes with only marginal chances of landing a tenure-track position at a college, university, or community college. Given the present affirmative action culture, Obama realizef that their chances of long-term gainful employment are not good, and that this can inhibit the influx of these competent scholars into academic culture.

"I came into office offering change you can believe in," Obama read from his telepromptor, which has now been directly wired into his brain in order to avoid stuttering. "It is simply wrong that these well-educated and well-intentioned intellectuals face an uphill and perhaps pointless battle simply because of the color or their skin, their religion, or their gender. Let them be judged by the content of their character and by their knowledge, not by the accidents of pigment, plumbing, and piety. Therefore, my first act in office will be an executive order to banish all affirmative action policies in education that discriminate on the basis of race or gender or religion. Further, I will authorize massive subsidies to colleges, universities, and community colleges to hire more philosophers on the basis of their philosophical competence and nothing else."

(Yes, this is a parody.)