Sunday, February 18, 2007

Stuffed Animal Rights: Animals of Fabric Speak Out!

1. Animals of fabric (stuffed animals) are no less significant than animals of flesh. If you think otherwise, you are a fleshist.
2. They deserve to be washed regularly. Don't you?
3. They need counseling before and after being put into the dryer.
4. They should never be abused (punched, stepped on, piled on top of each other, made to listen to Kenny G, etc.).
5. They should never have idiotic comments attributed to themselves, such as, "Teddy says he thinks a Pro-Life Democrat will run for President in 2008").
6. They should never be given to the dogs as playthings. A stuffed animal would never hurt a dog.
7. They should be repaired when damaged. You go to the doctor, don't you?
8. They should never be thrown out, but rather given a proper burial (with a eulogy).
9. They should never be left out in the elements (even at roadside memorials). Would you stay outside for days on end?
10. No one should spend more than a fraction of their income on procuring stuffed animals. Even they know they are not real and shouldn't be made into idols.

12 comments:

Fletcher said...

You need to get some sleep my friend. It pains me to suggest this, but I think you might be losing it? :-)

Douglas Groothuis said...

I lost it long ago. Now I'm trying to find it.

:mic said...

Was it a choice between this post and one about Anna Nicole Smith? I've noticed that you're silent on this monumental event which has so shaken the foundations of our civilization.

If that was the choice, I support the Animal Rights comment.

Zarathustra said...

Doug, thank you for bringing this important issue to our attention. I find the wanton and rampant abuse of animals of fabric to be deeply disconcerting. The abuse that is perpetrated on these innocent victims by factory farms will no longer be tolerated. I hereby call for a nationwide boycott of "Build a Bear." I adjure every person with a shred of decency to picket their local mall decrying the victimization of these cuddly creatures. Further, I demand laws that protects these furry little innocents from the devastion wrought on them by small children. In mere moments, a child can leave them eviscerated and dismembered. I beseech all people to join in this worthy cause, to do otherwise is heartless and cruel.

Douglas Groothuis said...

Z:

Your articulate indignation transcends my own.

Pat said...

Humor...yes, humor! On the Constructive Curmudgeon blog. This is downright outstanding. It is so very good on several levels. Haaaaaa

Small Group Guy said...

I think it is high time we have a stuffed animal bill of rights... Lets get everyone on board. We will start with Dougs post as the essential bill and work our way from there.

I think I will throw this into comittee today. My 5 year old will head it up. We should get this bill written and passed by Monday, better then the congress we have now I say!

Douglas Groothuis said...

A bill of bull!

Rich Cameron said...

I'm puzzled why people are so endlessly amused by this age old trope.

Wellstonecraft writes "Vindication of the Rights of Women," Thomas Taylor followed it right up with the oh-so humorous "Vindication of the Rights of Beasts." You think women have rights? Wackiness! Next you'll be telling us animals have rights! Taylor was such a card, I still can't stop my sides from splitting.

What, precisely, is funny about mocking those who would have us extend moral consideration to those who are currently powerless? Is there not something virtuous, something that we might want to respect -- or at least take seriously rather than mock -- about the impulse to speak for those who can't speak for themselves?

Nah. That would hardly be a Christian sentiment. Why side with the weak against the strong when you can mock the those who speak for the powerless and (bonus!) earn the cudos of the powerful? Please pass the factory farmed chicken Doug, and keep those jokes rolling in!

The Teddy said...

Here! Here! A bill of rights for Stuff Animal Kind is exactly what's needed in modern society.

Teddykind has feelings too!

jennifer said...

A big Thank You from Mooseamoose, Buddy, Monkey, and Tyrone and all of their friends. Your genuine concern for them has not gone unnoticed and is greatly appreciated.

karla_renee said...

Would you like to join SAPS? (Stuffed Animal Protective Services)

It's where humans and stuffed animals work together to get abused animals into new and better homes.

Currently we only have a Spokane chapter.